Dear Lizzie...(17)

Dear Lizzie,

Well, fall fell as usual, but I was secretly hoping it would get lost and never show up.

I haven't written lately because we seem to always be so busy. I can only imagine how busy this time of year was for you. Preparation for winter has changed quite a bit over the years. Were you busy canning, drying, and curing this time of year? That's what I wish we were doing, but the blow dryer of summer made gardening really difficult.

I wish I knew if you ever went to any fall festivals. I love fall festival time. I miss the ones we had access to in the south, but we have still had a fantastic time with what Kansas has to offer. Believe it or not, it's now popular to take your kids to a pumpkin patch for fun. There are rides, slides, corn mazes, and you can purchase pumpkins and gourds. I suppose this sounds a bit odd to you, as I am sure you just grew your own pumpkins and gourds. And did it ever occur to you to have a bunch of families you didn't know come traipse through your patch?
Many more leaves cover the ground than when you lived here. I wonder what fall in Kansas looked like 150 years or more ago. I can't hardly imagine fall without trees.
Well, Lizzie, I need to go now. I have some little ones to attend to. It was good chatting with you. It would have been fantastic to take an afternoon walk with you some time during the fall. I bet we could have had some great conversation.

Yours truly,
Charity 

What One Ponders on Tuesday Nights...

"What do you have in control?"
I ask this in a teasing voice, giving her a hard time.
Her issues are serious, deep, and could be overwhelming if you let them. My jesting is always to bring just a bit of levity - to help us both.

I kiss all the kids good night. It's the only thing I seem to do consistently in OCD fashion. I suppose I think this ritual will ward off all those unwelcome things the night can bring.
Tonight, little Miss has a fever. Oh how I loathe young ones with fevers. I hate going to bed knowing they are sick ; not knowing how they will fare during the night. I never sleep well when this is the case.

I know control is just a facade - an illusion to make ourselves feel better.
The harder I work for it the more fleeting it becomes.
I always feel like it should be more amazing when things go well, when we aren't sick, or when we aren't injured, than when the opposite is true. When a worrying mom thinks of all that can go wrong, or a sick friend has to contemplate possibilities, you suddenly realize how frail and powerless we are.

I was amused again today that my kids think I am so strong, so able. For the second day in a row, I get an exploding head ache when I start working out. I went for a jog this afternoon, and was splitting up the running with some strength training exercises. Levi and Noah were hanging out with me, and I told them how bad my head hurt.
"Call Papa Tim if I pass out," I said as I went off for another part of the run.
"You'll never pass out, mom. You're too tough!"

The comic relief of your children's outlandish view of your abilities goes a long way to soothe the reality of a mama's aging body.

So this hologram of control I comfort myself with, it's showing me again how it's solid as mist.

I'm preparing myself for a sleepless night, and realize my old muscles will be so sore tomorrow.
And while it may not be glamorous, it's real, and it's my life. All chaos and out of control, but stitched with Divine thread.

Another week has flown by as the aftermath of heading to Tennessee for yet another CT scan and doctor visit. After getting home at three in the morning on Wednesday morning, we launched back in to school, work, co-op, AWANA, laundry, a trip to the state fair, church, and endless cleaning of the house. Somewhere in all of that I remembered to breathe, well, because here I still am in the flesh.
Even when blessed with more good news we come home exhausted. The twelve hour drive coupled with fresh sadness at leaving friends we love behind is a drain.
This chaos and change really doesn't get better. I am accepting that. And if it was better I wouldn't like it. I don't think it would mean anything good. As we plan for a field trip 90 minutes away tomorrow, and free museum day on Saturday, oh, and a birthday party Sunday... I need another deep breath.
Another deep breath, and time to laugh. I figure you all need a good laugh too, so I'll share my embarrassing, and frustrating Wednesday morning.
I've had the two older boys up since 6:00, and we get math, grammar, vocabulary, and spelling all out of the way by 9:30. (You may clap for us now, if you wish.)
I get my workout done, and decide to make a big smoothie for lunch to drink on the way to co-op. I call a couple of boys in from outside so I can shower (don't like wandering kids out and about while I am in the shower). They are dragging their feet, and I am getting frustrated.
"Let's go, let's go!!" Me, trying not to unravel too far.
"Moooooommm!! Someone's coming in the driveway!!"
Black SUV is pulling in the driveway, and why Oh why can't these boys get their rears in this house?!?
And dread overcomes me as I realize who it is, and I have no time for this.
We go through the obligatory exchange, and I "really do have no time right now, see I have to shower and gets these kids to co-op..."
And I am thankful I know I am going to heaven anyway as I head back in with my new brochure, and wondering about what they thought of my post work-out hair do.
I scramble to get the smoothie done so I can shower and rush out the door. And isn't the biggest hurry a mama can be in always detected, and foiled?
"It's yucky."
"Huh?"
"It's yucky."
"What's yucky." I have yet to really look.
"It's on me finger."
"Let me see your finger."
Oh. It's brown.
"What is that??? Where did you get that???"
Seriously?!?
"It's yucky!"
"Really?!?!?!!!"
I have had a boy or boys for over ten years now. Not one time did any one of them stick their finger down in the back of the diaper...
She really is a princess. She's a beauty. She cuddles babies and smiles sweetly. And she draws on walls, stains nearly all her shirts, yearns to play in dirt, and likes to do things, just so her mama can experience all those things she has only heard of.
Thanks little love.
We did make it to co-op on time. Some of us with new, clean pants and freshly scoured fingers.

Smiles in HIndsight

Here they are.... hiding up inside all the turmoil and stress, bad days, and lectures to self. The things that make you smile. Not smile at the time, but smile later, when they hit you out of the blue. You remember them, remember that you didn't give them enough time at the time.

Her little body sprawls by mine, having found my hand around five in the morning. It's cold, but she gets mad when blankets are on her feet. It's now seven, and he is leaving for work.
"Bye. I love you."
"Bye. Love you too."
"Love you too, mom."
Her little voice takes me off guard - she has said it in her sleep!  He laughs, but I roll over trying to catch a few more minutes.

What got us all into trouble in the first place was the inability to be content. Sure there were other things, but didn't it boil down to that?

Wishing you an unexpected smile today. I will be working on remembering more of mine.

I've had three showers today...
Such a hot summer. It's been like a "blow dryer," to quote my dad. Records set, and everything has been wilted and withered. Nothing could grow and you could almost imagine another dust bowl if things got too windy.
I took five kids on an adventure this morning. I was watching my niece, who is four, for the day. We walked down to Santa Fe lake, which really isn't a lake anymore. It was drained for maintenance, and with no rain and triple digits, it shrank under the sun's assault.
Weeds, over my head, had covered the lake bed.  Someone had made some paths by trampling the weeds down, and we followed one for a bit. It was tough going for Tia and Claire, so I took them back to an open spot. For an hour they "cooked" with the dirt. Shells were their dishes and leaves their salad. The sun beat down, we sweat.
An hour and five showers later, we finally had lunch.
A second trip out to play in the afternoon had us drenched with sweat in the first few minutes due to the humidity. I saw the clouds billowing up, expanding like shaving cream high in the wild blue. Big hot air masses were preparing for the front blowing our way.
Another shower after little niece leaves, and I prepare to unwind from the week.
I sit, mindlessly browsing Facebook. The wind starts. I sigh. I run out quickly, to feel the heat just one more time, but I've missed it. The cool is on it's way, and though most are glad of this, I struggle with the change.
That strong wind, it's through my fingers and mocks the sadness in me.
It's calm now. No visible change from inside where I sit. Twenty degrees cooler heralds that I must ride the changes yet again.
And though there is a restlessness in my soul that I can't seem to calm or even begin to figure out, I know that for today, I made the most of it. There is a little clearing, in a little forest, on a dry lake bed, with proof.

It's...elemental...

I suppose for most of us, life really never does settle down. We just replace old crazy with new busy and it all keeps cycling through. We may have some slow times, but it never really stays that way. I have had an exceptionally busy last couple of years. In that time we have had a lot of stress, and over the last year it's been hard to keep our family unit defined.

The more nuts life seems to be, the more I get into a rut of self condemnation. I hate the feeling of not getting things done, and not doing all things I need to do as well as I would like. Something is always suffering.

For me, it helps if I can just get back to basics. What am I doing every day? Well, since I currently don't work outside the home, home is my priority: my kids, keeping up the house, helping my husband.  And really, aren't these what I want to be priority anyway? Start at the core, then work out.

As we are doing our science lessons this week, I see it again. The atom. The smallest unit of matter. At it's core, the nucleus. The protons make it what it is. Only Carbon has six protons. Any more or any less, and it's not Carbon. My family, with Jesus at the pure center, is my nucleus. We are this family, and anything different isn't us.

The electrons are racing around in shells in a crazy extra-nuclear orbit. They zip at nearly the speed of light. The further from the nucleus they are, the fast they go.

 Ahhhhh...... I'm seeing it now.

I am more hurried, more wild, more likely to fly off and bond with something else, when I get further away from my core.

So, when I am fraying at the ends, and I am failing my own standards yet again, I guess I should see where I am at. Am I starting with the center, or am I looking to share electrons with that exciting situation over there? Folks didn't circle the wagons just for fun. Protecting your center is important.
I feel like God wants me to focus on this. He can always hand me more later. But I should be good at this before I should want to take on anything else. It's elementary...

Dear Lizzie... (16)

Dear Lizzie,
Well, we are here. We live within your walls now. It's been a bit over three weeks. I've been meaning to write you, but we have just been so crazy busy and disjointed. The projects haven't stopped since we moved in, and I started school back up with the kids. I know you sent your little ones off to the country school. I actually keep mine home with me and teach them myself. Most days I am pretty happy about this, some days I wonder what I was ever thinking.
The best thing that has happened since we moved in? Having a birthday party here. My youngest two both have August birthdays. Just having a gathering here again, with kids and games and sugar - it was so much fun. The house hasn't had a fun gathering in a really long time.
I keep thinking of all this noise here now. These wild kids within these walls. I wonder what sounds your children made when they played, got a little too wild, or ran in to tell you some news at full volume. My father was the last kid that lived here.
I look out the north window that is in the living room. I hardly ever look out that window that I don't think of you gazing there too, and the door that is now gone slamming shut beside it. Were there grazing bison, billowing thunder heads, men on horseback, curious Indians?
There is a bustle here again. The curve of the circle that the events of life trace, it keeps flowing on. I know you are gone, but you live on here, with us. Though I visited your resting place just a few days ago, I picture you as my age, managing your offspring, working hard just to survive.
I hold this Baptist hymnal of Frank's in my hands. I picture his work-worn fingers clasping it, singing the words in a clear deep voice. Your faith, his faith, they were strong and sure.
So, I am glad to be here. There is a lot of work to be done. A lot of projects to finish, and so many more that still need to be started.
I think, hope, that you would be pleased with what we've done, and happy that this place didn't rot and fade, but gained a new lease.
Rest well, Lizzie. Maybe you sing these words in this well worn book on the table beside me.

Yours truly,
Charity

I haven't dipped my toes in the water here for over a month. It was the first of July when I last hit "publish." July was hot, dry, busy, exhausting, and left me frazzled. We did a month long push to get the house to a move in state. My dad's mother moved in, so we needed to get out. Nine people in a three bedroom, one bathroom house just doesn't work for too long. The temps were in the triple digits. The days were long and the nights were short. I felt like I was in a desert - literally and spiritually. It was just as hard, if not harder, for me spiritually and emotionally as it was to do all the physical labor. I just wanted rain and relief - but it just wouldn't come. There seems to be a lack of direction and answers in this household. It is wearing on us, and I feel thin. Nothing over the last year has gone the way I viewed it, though not all surprises were negative. We now have a very comfortable house to set up camp. All six of us are together. We have privacy, the ability to be a family unit, a place to call our own. I get to unpack boxes and rediscover my stuff. Though there is a lot of work yet to get accomplished, we have hit a place where the pace can settle a bit. 

It has rained a bit since we started sleeping here. Real rain from the sky, and unexpected gifts too. The direction I (we) lack - it still nags met. Chris and I both need jobs, and neither of us really know where to look. God in heaven, He knows, He sees. I am not worried that He might be confused about what we need. And this lack of resources we have, see, it hasn't left us homeless, hungry, or unclothed. Many can't say that.

So, we are starting over again. It's the next chapter in Fontaine family life. We are walking into it, like most of our chapters, without really knowing where we are going. But, the music has stopped for a bit, and I have a chair to sit it. I have a place to stack my rocks, and God is still good.

It has been another transition. Wouldnt' we all expect it? That we are tackling it together, as a family, I am very thankful. As always, I appreciate all of you that find this, and travel a bit of the road with me.

I can do 5 minutes today... "Welcome!"

Check out gypsy mama for rules. :o)
Writing today about the word - "Welcome."


Here we go, 10:27 pm...


Welcome!
Welcome to my house!
Welcome to my life!
Welcome. I'm more than you bargained for. ;o) Life is kinda crazy and I have four crazy kids, and my husband is crazy but thinks the other five of us are the most crazy. We are crazy loud, and he is crazy quiet.
Welcome! Come on in. We will love you for who you are. Kick your shoes off and have a seat. It's OK if your kid pees on my floor or doesn't like the snacks I have. You are welcome to stay. 
Welcome to a friendship with me. I would love to hear your secrets, but not to share. I just want to pray for you.
Welcome, sweet little children to my arms. Mommy loves you tons. :o)
Welcome, these hard times. You allow God to make me stronger. I learn the most from you.
Welcome, hot summer breeze. I hated being so cold. Now I am dried out like a piece of jerky, but I revel in it.
Welcome, sweet sleep. When I can get it!!
Are you enjoying this so far? You're welcome!! ;o)
Welcome, Holy Spirit. Please enter me each day and make me less of me in my me-ness and more of who Jesus wants me to be.
Welcome to all my new friends who stop by in the next few days to read this. It's just such an honor to have you here, and do a bit of life with you.


It's 10:32. Do you know where your "welcome" is?

OH! We are here....a year later...

Hey all. It's been a busy week, and I haven't posted since last Friday. Here comes a boring, sort of housekeeping post. Gotta keep you all up to date on the reality show quality of my life. ;o)
So, it's been just over a year since we moved back to Kansas from Tennessee. Last summer we started a remodel/renovate/rehab project on the house my grandmother had been living in. It's been in the family since the early 1870's. Well. We're still going on the project. In all fairness we did not start in earnest until last January. Between budget, time, and logistics of 140 year old houses, it's taken a bit longer than we thought.
Nothing about the house itself is plumb, straight, square, or level. We have done all those things to elements in the house, and there are quite a few tricks that get played on the eyes now. It's a fun house of sorts, we like to think.
My sweet grandmother moves into my dad's house next week. We are still here. It is a three bedroom, one bathroom house. Grandma needs peace, I have three boys. Grandma likes to know what's going on. Who here knows what's going on?
Anyway, this is an adventure for sure. Our goal is to get into that house as soon as we can. Well, that's been the goal all along, we now just have new urgency. We are waiting for a car to sell the get the funds to finish. We have not taken any loans to do this, just worked when the money was there.
Once we get in I will post some pics. I can't even tell you how excited I am to get my own space again. Mulit-generational living has been.... interesting. Especially for this long.
I think Frank and Lizzie would approve. Grandma loves it, but, bless her heart, I don't think she remembers it before. Sigh.
OK all. That is it for the boring catch up post. I'll try to do something fun tomorrow. More fun that laying laminate floor - which is my job for today.

Wonder...

Check out gypsy mama. It's Friday again. :o)


Today's post brought to you by the word: wonder. Five minutes of hemorrhaging at the keyboard begins, now...


I wonder at the wonder in my children. It changes as they grow older. I wonder what I was like when I wondered like that.


"See the moon, Claire??"
"It's in the sky!!" She smiles.
"Yes, it's in the sky!" I smile at her smiling.
"I want to catch it!!" She holds her little arms up high, towards the moon, miles away.
When did I stop reaching? Do I wonder so much that I stop reaching, or do I not wonder enough?


Walk with any toddler outside for a few minutes, and you will see there is so much more to the world that you remembered.
Isn't a sense of wonder related to hope? If there are good things to wonder about, surely there is hope to accompany that. 


Is He sad when His children don't wonder at what He has placed on this earth, in their hearts?


True wonder leads to action. Learn more, discover more, reach out more. I bet that moon isn't as far away as it seems. Little one, she told me so. :o)

I'm re-posting - for the first time. I was changing a few settings on my Facebook account, and went back to read my notes. It was cool to read this one. Especially now that we are over two years out from Chris' chemo. Hindsight is an amazing tool to see what God has done. Even if you don't know where you are going, it does you good to see where you have come from. 
~Charity




December 31st, 2009
Yes, it is the last day of the year. Only because we will start 2010 tomorrow. However, I don't really have anything significant attatched to January 1st. Most New Years come and go for me without much hoorah. I am going to mark a new year next spring. The end of Chris' chemo. Then I feel like I can maybe make a new start.
A lot has happened to the Fontaine family in 2009. Here is a rundown:
~We found out we were expecting child # 4 - unexpectedly.
~We found out Chris has cancer.
~We went through a grueling process to find out what kind of cancer Chris had, and then what needed to be done to treat it.
~We found out baby #4 was a girl!! Finally!!! :o)
~Chris started chemo in May.
~We began to see the body of Christ in action in a way we never dreamed could happen.
~We found out I was having pre-term labor, and needed to "take it easy." Sure, no problem.
~We realized how help was always close at hand.
~We put our house up for sale. It was rough. We loved where we lived. It sold in two months.
~We had to move. I hated it.
~We had to move. We had almost more help than we needed! Got it done in less than a day.
~We had a benefit concert for our family. Crazy huge. Crazy successful. God is big.
~We saw help, support, and friendships increase.
~Sweet baby Claire arrived!!!!!!!!
~I found out I am really weak.
~I found out I am amazingly strong.
~I realized I was strongest when I told God I was weak, and gave Him control.
~I gained a new respect for single parents. I know I don't want to be one.
~I had to learn what "in sickness and in health" meant. For real.
~We are learning to live below where we want to be in a lot of ways. They say this builds character. I think you have to work at it. I don't belive it is default mode during crisis.
~Last September I admitted to a group of women a fear I had. I found out that fear would not come true. I am closer to God, and He is closer to me.
~Every day is an unknown. It was that way before, but it just slaps me upside the head now.
~God hasn't changed through any of it. 

We Could All Use a Little Awe on a Tuesday...

When do we loose our sense of wonder? Are we so old, at these young ages, that we just walk by magic? Does He dip His fingers in the colors of Genesis still, and we miss the majesty? 

It's OK to be a toddler at heart. Wonder, marvel, see.

After the storm it's here that I see it.

"Come look at these clouds."

He doesn't have to do this for us.

With unskilled hands I try to preserve the memory.

My heart is awed, and this is love.

Dear Lizzie... (15)

Dear Lizzie,
Last week I hung a tire swing on the tree outside the shop. I am assuming you have no idea what this is. I suppose that during the brief part of your life that cars were around, that there weren't many spare tires available. We have them in abundance now, and making swings out of them has been popular for decades.
Silas, my third born, rides with glee. The muscles in his brown back ripple, but it's soft and smooth, betraying his tender age.
Work has stalled on the house for now. We plan to start soon in earnest, once we get some things accomplished.
The place has this timeless sense of old peace about it - back in the dappled shadows and hidden recesses. I am eager to spend early summer mornings there.
Stop by any time. I'll make tea, and we can chat.

Yours Truly,
Charity

Five Minute Friday : home

I'm linking with gypsy mama today. Five Minute Friday time. Today's word is "home."




Home. See, I don't really have one, but I have many. I have sold two physical homes that I really loved. I have rented places that didn't seem like home even though they housed my family and held our stuff.

I used to think Kansas was the only home I would ever have, but now Nashville is just as much a home. We are working on a 140 year old home to move in to, but I don't know when it will be done. For now I am in my parent's home. It felt like home when I was a kid, but now it's different.

It's weird not to have a place of your own. But I still feel at home when I am with friends I love. It's home when I can walk it, and sit down, and relax. When I feel welcome. When I know my kids are loved. That's home.

With a home of my own on the horizon, I am thinking about how I want home to look again. It's been so long since the six of us had a home, our own place and our own borders. Sometimes I wonder if I will remember what that's like.

Home. I might just feel a bit like a gypsy for awhile. I don't feel quite grounded yet. I think with my soul as restless as it is, it may take finding ways to experience peace.

The bits of home I have are that more precious because of the home I have had to give up.

The Dirt on Us

I feel like I am going a bit against the grain. I am probably unconventional. And... I like the mom it's making me. With firstborn I was terrified of germs and things that bite. Now I tell them to run towards things that bite, and, well, my kids are dirty. A lot. But we are living. There is this one life we have, and its days go by too fast and there is too much to do and see.

I see moms at the zoo who never let their toddlers out of the stroller, and I am sad for the tied down curiosity dying to be free. I realize that when little Princess sits to "play in the dirt" in the petting zoo, that the sand is half goat pooh. Fantastic thing about skin? It washes! No, I don't let her brother tell her it's black beans, but, go on little lady, pet the goat, pick up the sand, feel, smell, learn!

My boys are such boys! How do you squash the boy in a boy? It crushes them. So, they come to me smeared in mulberries, caked in dirt, after peeing on trees. Can you get such a belly laugh from a clean boy who has been told to play nice?

We snake hunt, play in the mud, build tire swings, wrestle turtles, frogs, and toads, try exotic foods, get bug bites, and experience what the world has to offer. We aren't afraid to get dirty and be who we are.

Public bathrooms and hospital germs still scare me. I reserve the right to be inconsistently odd about microbes. 

OH, and thank goodness for that chlorine in the pool. Otherwise, the boys' feet might not ever get clean this summer...  ;o)

5 Minute Fridays: backwards

It was fun last Friday, so I'll give it a go again. Linking up with gypsy mama to write for five minutes about ~ backwards.
Start time...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who wants to go backwards? Well I do, a lot. Mostly I want to stop time, but I realize I can't. I hate to let go and hate for things that are good to change. We just got done with a road trip to Nashville again. I miss those people so much.
I love summer. I hate for it to end. I can't stop the progression, and I wish I could go back and repeat it.
Kids grow up. I miss tiny toes and toddler talk. I start to forget details, and I just want to go back and relive some moments.
The problem with going backwards? You can't see where you are going. Even if you have your destination locked, your eyes are still forward.
The unknown, the potential pain - these make me dread the future. But everything I have ever loved has been the future at some point.
Stuck in reverse will hold me back from what has the potential to be some great memories, and will keep me from meeting some really great people.
I think what is better, is to hold the memories tightly, but carry them forward. I'm blessed to have them, but don't want to limit myself from having more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beware of Skunk

It was early in the day, and I was snake hunting with the boys. Lizzie, the crazy black lab we now own (long story), is with us. She is around a year old, and has too much energy for her own good. She has too much energy for our own good.

She lopes off into some tall grass, and hunter at heart, finds something. Earlier on our jog, I thought I smelled mustilid. Did she corner a skunk? She won't come when I call, so we cringe and wait for the inevitable.

What's this? No spray? I tell the boys to get ready to bolt, and slowly creep over to where the dog is emitting a low, rumbling growl.

Careful, careful, small careful steps.

OH.

Really???

Seriously?!?!?!

The skunk was a turtle. Our Lizzie had protected us from a ravenous, child consuming, sucked-up-in-it's-shell turtle.

Well, the boys had their fun with the turtle. And we learned that when shelled reptiles are running a muck, our dog has our backs.

Lizzie and her catch

Levi, never stops loving animal catches

Noah, cool man in charge

Booger's turn with the turtle

Princess, just awake, gets a chance to get up close and personal

Lesson learned. Don't always expect the skunk. Sometimes trouble is hidden in a shell, more afraid of you, than you are of it.

Five Minutes About Every Day...

Today for the first time I am linking with gypsy mama to try my hand at Five Minute Fridays. Todays topic is, "Every Day."







Deep breath, here goes:


Every day I twist my body off the bed and put my feet to the floor. I have the previous days challenges and stresses right at hand usually. My thoughts are on God, getting my work out done, and how soon the kids will wake up. 

Every day I have high hopes for getting it right and overcoming the bad, the done wrong. Every day I hope I make God happy more and sad less.


Every day I want to love my kids better, be a better wife, and be productive and useful.


But, every day the doubt, guilt, and frustration take their toll and have their hand at pasting me down.


This life, this existence, it's an every day battle to believe The Book more and the deceiver less. Each day we can live like we believe gospel happened, and not just for a few, but for us!


Every day there is a song in my soul. The sounds, rhythm, strains, and volume changes. Sometimes my soul weeps, sometimes it sings, sometimes it whispers.


And every day I know that God, in His grace, might give me another chance to breath the air of the earth and try again...


And done.

Because There is a Lot Worth Remembering

A year now, since the move. I miss, and keep missing each and every day.
Sights my eyes are sore for:

Edwin Warner Park was a retreat for me. When we first moved and I tried to use the double jogging stroller there I thought my legs were going to go on strike. Walks in the dappled light, playing pirate ship on the deck, and hunting for wildlife - we drank it all in.

The zoo in its beautiful setting. Though smaller than what we have access to now, it never disappointed us except that first time. But I hadn't given it credit and Noah dropped my sunglasses in the toilet that day. That time we saw the lady jump up from her wheelchair and grab the snake on the trail - well it still makes me smile. That one time was a bit dicey, but we all look back with fondness at our time there, especially time with friends. Levi will never forget getting to help hold the sixteen foot python. It was the highlight of his year.

Franklin and all its festivals was always a highlight for our family. We loved to drive the Natchez Trace to get there, and cross "the big, big bridge." That first year we went frequently to hear Chris play at the Irish pub. The boys tolerated the late nights really well, and Levi was obsessed with the banjo. I will never forget our visit to the Carter House. Our intense guide drilled the facts into our little group of eight. Two in our group were infants, and only three of us were adults. My boys were bugeyed at the eye popping details of the battle fought there. Mr. History Man must have thought they could handle it. Good thing they could.

The Village Chapel, our church the last three years we were there. That place was invaluable to our survival in Nashville. The people there were the body of Christ as it should be. I can still feel the strength and comfort it brought me when I think about it.

LL Burns park in Kingston Springs, and the Harpeth River. The kids and I spent hours there playing, hiking, and wading in the river. We always saw some great wildlife. An old bridge that spanned the river there was built by colored troupes during the Civil War. I made the boys go down and touch the massive stone blocks at the base one day. How often do you get to touch history like that?

To my family's chagrin I can't stop going on about how much I miss Publix. It was the first and last grocery store I went to in Nashville. Friendly service, buy one get one free every day! What's not to like?? I'll try to save face here and not go on.

Sounds my ears are straining for:

Music. In all tones, rhythms, and strains. Its why we moved to begin with. The music of the south is haunting and enchanting and made me feel at home. When I hear it I am just as homesick as when I see the Great Plains.

The rushing of wind through all those trees mingling with babbling brooks and rushing rivers.

People my heart aches for.
My dear friends become family. To not be near you hurts to my core. You are my favorite memories.

Being caught between the want for two worlds can make a girl quite nutty, but also quite lucky. Two worlds of memories warm my heart, moisten my eyes, and curl up the corners of my mouth. Here, in these words, I've barely scratched the surface.

Mud Men

If it’s all just dust to dust and the middle doesn’t matter, where does that leave us? If there is no forever after this shell gives out, what’s the point? We’d just be mud men destined to wash away in the next deluge. Without life breathed into us we would be formed lumps unable to keep our shape.

“…the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”

Genesis 2:7

So we are born into this existence, creatures made of the crust of our world. Then life and its trials overwhelm us, dry us out, and threaten to scatter us by the wind. Must these storms, literal and metaphorical, undo us?  Couldn’t they shape and form?

The middle matters. Time on this sphere starts our journey to forever. We will be resurrected because Jesus was. Mud men can become pure creatures.  And this theme repeats and reverberates all around us: spring flowers, hatchlings, bullfrogs and butterflies, blossoms and buds.

I am formable after the rains, I have a spirit after I have been breathed upon, and I am a mud man turned eternal creature since Jesus is the forever in my heart.

Need to Change Your Perspective Today? Or Find Some Whimsy and Mirth?