Dear Lizzie...(17)

Dear Lizzie,

Well, fall fell as usual, but I was secretly hoping it would get lost and never show up.

I haven't written lately because we seem to always be so busy. I can only imagine how busy this time of year was for you. Preparation for winter has changed quite a bit over the years. Were you busy canning, drying, and curing this time of year? That's what I wish we were doing, but the blow dryer of summer made gardening really difficult.

I wish I knew if you ever went to any fall festivals. I love fall festival time. I miss the ones we had access to in the south, but we have still had a fantastic time with what Kansas has to offer. Believe it or not, it's now popular to take your kids to a pumpkin patch for fun. There are rides, slides, corn mazes, and you can purchase pumpkins and gourds. I suppose this sounds a bit odd to you, as I am sure you just grew your own pumpkins and gourds. And did it ever occur to you to have a bunch of families you didn't know come traipse through your patch?
Many more leaves cover the ground than when you lived here. I wonder what fall in Kansas looked like 150 years or more ago. I can't hardly imagine fall without trees.
Well, Lizzie, I need to go now. I have some little ones to attend to. It was good chatting with you. It would have been fantastic to take an afternoon walk with you some time during the fall. I bet we could have had some great conversation.

Yours truly,
Charity 

What One Ponders on Tuesday Nights...

"What do you have in control?"
I ask this in a teasing voice, giving her a hard time.
Her issues are serious, deep, and could be overwhelming if you let them. My jesting is always to bring just a bit of levity - to help us both.

I kiss all the kids good night. It's the only thing I seem to do consistently in OCD fashion. I suppose I think this ritual will ward off all those unwelcome things the night can bring.
Tonight, little Miss has a fever. Oh how I loathe young ones with fevers. I hate going to bed knowing they are sick ; not knowing how they will fare during the night. I never sleep well when this is the case.

I know control is just a facade - an illusion to make ourselves feel better.
The harder I work for it the more fleeting it becomes.
I always feel like it should be more amazing when things go well, when we aren't sick, or when we aren't injured, than when the opposite is true. When a worrying mom thinks of all that can go wrong, or a sick friend has to contemplate possibilities, you suddenly realize how frail and powerless we are.

I was amused again today that my kids think I am so strong, so able. For the second day in a row, I get an exploding head ache when I start working out. I went for a jog this afternoon, and was splitting up the running with some strength training exercises. Levi and Noah were hanging out with me, and I told them how bad my head hurt.
"Call Papa Tim if I pass out," I said as I went off for another part of the run.
"You'll never pass out, mom. You're too tough!"

The comic relief of your children's outlandish view of your abilities goes a long way to soothe the reality of a mama's aging body.

So this hologram of control I comfort myself with, it's showing me again how it's solid as mist.

I'm preparing myself for a sleepless night, and realize my old muscles will be so sore tomorrow.
And while it may not be glamorous, it's real, and it's my life. All chaos and out of control, but stitched with Divine thread.