I have to get this out before someday I am threatened to change my mind.
I have a good friend. She is afflicted with more physical ailments than any one person should have. We have both agreed that we don't like the word, "suck", but at times it just seems no other word is appropriate. Whenever one of us is having a particularly hard time we seem to break out that word.
A few weeks back I was having a really hard time emotionally and spiritually. My good friend said there was a lot of "suckage" going on. A little word she coined just for me. Now we use that when there is a goodly quantity of rough stuff going on for one of us.
I love my friends. They are so amazing. I am thankful for people I can be frank with and they won't then run away. It is a relief to not have to deal with tough situations totally on your own.
That leads to me saying that I would crumble in upon myself if it weren't for God in the hard times. We are guaranteed difficulty in life, people will always fail us, and circumstances are always changing. God is my only constant, and the only good thing I really have going for me. As another wonderful friend of mine said one day, "Without Jesus, you don't want to know me."
I don't enjoy hard times. I don't like struggles. I hate feeling frustrated, awkward, or nervous. My time spent worrying about anything is always a waste.
But right now, today, I can say I am thankful for what is difficult - in that it draws me closer to God. My broken heart seeks the one and only thing that can mend it. It hasn't always been this way for me. I am doing better but have a long way to go. If I was perfect and whole I would be spending too much time patting my back instead of falling to my knees.
Suckage hurts. I am so ready for the day it never exists again. But in the mean time, while we can all be thankful for what is great in our lives, I will try to be thankful for what is hard. For these circumstances given to me with planned precision, so that I can be one step closer to heaven.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Dear Lizzie... (5)
Dear Lizzie,
How did you comfort your kids when they were in pain? A scraped knee. The loss of a loved one. The death of a pet or beloved farm animal.
Today we lost our dog we have had for eight years. It was really hard on the boys because they have never lost a dog. In fact, before this summer they had never lost a pet. Two of their geckos died at the beginning of the summer. Have you heard of geckos?
Anyway, it was hear wrenching to see their pain. So much anguish from all three of them at the same time. I can only imagine how much harder life was for you growing up, and then later as a mother in the late 1800's. I am sure tough experiences were a way of life.
And Allan. How did you ever handle that? I can't imagine your burden as mother to deal with the loss, comfort your other children, and then give birth just a few days later. Bless your heart.
I would love to exchange notes with you on some of these issues. Tonight we just got the kids some pizza, made them root beer floats, and let them watch a movie. I'll explain later.
Yours Truly,
Charity
How did you comfort your kids when they were in pain? A scraped knee. The loss of a loved one. The death of a pet or beloved farm animal.
Today we lost our dog we have had for eight years. It was really hard on the boys because they have never lost a dog. In fact, before this summer they had never lost a pet. Two of their geckos died at the beginning of the summer. Have you heard of geckos?
Anyway, it was hear wrenching to see their pain. So much anguish from all three of them at the same time. I can only imagine how much harder life was for you growing up, and then later as a mother in the late 1800's. I am sure tough experiences were a way of life.
And Allan. How did you ever handle that? I can't imagine your burden as mother to deal with the loss, comfort your other children, and then give birth just a few days later. Bless your heart.
I would love to exchange notes with you on some of these issues. Tonight we just got the kids some pizza, made them root beer floats, and let them watch a movie. I'll explain later.
Yours Truly,
Charity
Wow. What a week. One grandmother fell and broke her hip, made it through surgery, and now is in rehab. She became very confused and it was a hard thing to see. She is slowly on the mend, but at 94 years of age mending does not come easily. Today is her birthday. I wish so much she could have celebrated at home. My other grandma got herself a trip to the ICU due to some chest pain and nearly passing out at work. One heart cath later and two days in the hospital have her home as well. She will continue to medically manage the small blockages she has. She just has to remember to take her meds and take them correctly. Yesterday Chris and I had our feelings hurt by someone, and Chris is having a hard time recovering. I miss my friends in Tennessee so much, because, well, they wouldn't do anything like that. I ache for his pain, and am frustrated that we don't have the answers it seems we need to do anything about the situation. And today. Today our little dog of 8 years ran in front of a truck and went the way of all the earth. The boys were there and saw it, and I was the one who had to squat next to his damaged little body till he breathed his last. I really don't want to go into the whole story, but as I type this my eyes still burn from the tears. A lot of tears for him, but just as many for the sweet little hearts that broke today. The boys have never lost a dog. They are torn and broken now. Silas said, "I just can't breathe with a broken heart!"
As we held hands in a circle around Toby's grave today the tears took over when I saw the raw pain on the children's faces. It is hard to see them so fragile and vulnerable.
RIP, little guy. Thanks for being our watchdog, protector, and friend. We are grateful for your loyalty.
As we held hands in a circle around Toby's grave today the tears took over when I saw the raw pain on the children's faces. It is hard to see them so fragile and vulnerable.
RIP, little guy. Thanks for being our watchdog, protector, and friend. We are grateful for your loyalty.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Dear Lizzie... (4)
Dear Lizzie,
So, I bought a pound of butter at the store yesterday. Only spent $1.66 for it. I have no idea what that would be for you in your day, but by today's standards it isn't much. I was thinking about how much work it would take you to make a pound of butter. Also about how hard it would be to keep it fresh.
There is this lady on the Food Network (um... that would take way to long to explain). She really likes her butter. Being southern and all I don't think they can eat anything without butter. I can only imagine you would have been a rich woman if you had needed to supply her with butter. I know you took it to town and sold it. Too bad she didn't live as a neighbor to you. It would have saved you a trip to town. ;oD
Yours Truly,
Charity
So, I bought a pound of butter at the store yesterday. Only spent $1.66 for it. I have no idea what that would be for you in your day, but by today's standards it isn't much. I was thinking about how much work it would take you to make a pound of butter. Also about how hard it would be to keep it fresh.
There is this lady on the Food Network (um... that would take way to long to explain). She really likes her butter. Being southern and all I don't think they can eat anything without butter. I can only imagine you would have been a rich woman if you had needed to supply her with butter. I know you took it to town and sold it. Too bad she didn't live as a neighbor to you. It would have saved you a trip to town. ;oD
Yours Truly,
Charity
Monday, November 8, 2010
Keepin' It Real, Even With New Shoes
Mama. Mom. Mommy. Mother. And a host of other names and terms applying to this job of raising offspring or other small creatures that have come into your care. It is a great way to keep you humble. Even, when you have new shoes.
Example: the start to my day today, this glorious Monday.
The time change yesterday has set off a cascade of odd wake up times and confusion about when we are tired enough for a nap. Miss C was up at five yesterday, which was really six, which felt like three or four to me. Sigh. She fell asleep on the way to church which made her too cranky for the nursery - so I got to sit in the hall and listen via monitor.
Today, Monday, she gets up at four, which used to be five, which is always earlier than I would like. She wanted "mulk!!", so I nursed her as requested. It was a ploy to get her to go back to sleep so in turn I could try to sleep some more. Nope. The warm little body next to me tosses and turns, dozes, changes position, its little hand slaps my face, then dozes again. In desperation I try to ignore this and go back to sleep. By the time I am finally back to the on-ramp for Slumber Land, I hear, "Ah!! Bleeewwwww ah!!!!!!!!" She is now messing with Chris' face. I realize I have to pee. We are up. I stumble downstairs and plop her on the bathroom floor so "mommy can go pee pee." She watches intently, but refrains from taking notes. Then we mosey out to the living room and I try to get my fuzzy brain to tell me what I can do to be productive. I notice I look nice and frumpy in my pajamas, and try to ignore it. I set about with laundry and putting things in a general order. Chris, half asleep, finds his way downstairs to "help" me. After Claire's bath he sits with her as I do a few more things and then make breakfast for my other early riser, Mr Si. After I get him set up with food, I decide to go jog. I leave Claire with Chris, who is armed with the remote. He is hoping something animated and colorful will pacify his tired daughter into sitting on his lap, and subsequently be lulled to sleep.
I make a break, I'm out the door!! A whole run with just me, the music, and the great outdoors. I'm feeling good. I come back in, shower, get dressed, and put on my new shoes. I don't buy much for myself. We don't have a lot of money and I usually need to buy stuff for the kids. New shoes are a treat for me, even if I just need new work out shoes. So when I went this weekend to get new work out shoes, I saw another pair I really wanted. Simple, really, but I just liked them right away. Casual, not to be fancy, but fit for comfort. Black, and a gray Tweed. Not traditional laces, but silver-gray ribbons. I splurged and got them. I felt guilty for a bit, just for good measure. I wore them yesterday for the first time. I like those shoes!! As I put them on this morning I think again about how much I like them. It's the same ol' me, but I'm walkin' in new shoes today!! Spring in my step, head held high, I get school started with the kids. It brings the usual challenges, and it isn't long before someone needs discipline. Claire is now screaming from sheer exhaustion, and I am trying to get the boys focused, while Silas is a whirlwind of loud activity around the room. Claire crawls over my feet, untying one of my fancy ribbons. I pick her up. She is red in the face, has snot in her nose, and has tears of frustration on her precious face. As I am rocking her to sleep, Silas comes up to me.
"Mooooomm!!!", he whispers.
"What?"
"Will it wake up Claire if I go poop?"
Sigh.
"No honey, you go ahead."
"OK!!"
Off he goes with a smile.
I still like my shoes. They don't make life any more glamorous, or me for that matter. But I suppose it is better to just keep things real.
Example: the start to my day today, this glorious Monday.
The time change yesterday has set off a cascade of odd wake up times and confusion about when we are tired enough for a nap. Miss C was up at five yesterday, which was really six, which felt like three or four to me. Sigh. She fell asleep on the way to church which made her too cranky for the nursery - so I got to sit in the hall and listen via monitor.
Today, Monday, she gets up at four, which used to be five, which is always earlier than I would like. She wanted "mulk!!", so I nursed her as requested. It was a ploy to get her to go back to sleep so in turn I could try to sleep some more. Nope. The warm little body next to me tosses and turns, dozes, changes position, its little hand slaps my face, then dozes again. In desperation I try to ignore this and go back to sleep. By the time I am finally back to the on-ramp for Slumber Land, I hear, "Ah!! Bleeewwwww ah!!!!!!!!" She is now messing with Chris' face. I realize I have to pee. We are up. I stumble downstairs and plop her on the bathroom floor so "mommy can go pee pee." She watches intently, but refrains from taking notes. Then we mosey out to the living room and I try to get my fuzzy brain to tell me what I can do to be productive. I notice I look nice and frumpy in my pajamas, and try to ignore it. I set about with laundry and putting things in a general order. Chris, half asleep, finds his way downstairs to "help" me. After Claire's bath he sits with her as I do a few more things and then make breakfast for my other early riser, Mr Si. After I get him set up with food, I decide to go jog. I leave Claire with Chris, who is armed with the remote. He is hoping something animated and colorful will pacify his tired daughter into sitting on his lap, and subsequently be lulled to sleep.
I make a break, I'm out the door!! A whole run with just me, the music, and the great outdoors. I'm feeling good. I come back in, shower, get dressed, and put on my new shoes. I don't buy much for myself. We don't have a lot of money and I usually need to buy stuff for the kids. New shoes are a treat for me, even if I just need new work out shoes. So when I went this weekend to get new work out shoes, I saw another pair I really wanted. Simple, really, but I just liked them right away. Casual, not to be fancy, but fit for comfort. Black, and a gray Tweed. Not traditional laces, but silver-gray ribbons. I splurged and got them. I felt guilty for a bit, just for good measure. I wore them yesterday for the first time. I like those shoes!! As I put them on this morning I think again about how much I like them. It's the same ol' me, but I'm walkin' in new shoes today!! Spring in my step, head held high, I get school started with the kids. It brings the usual challenges, and it isn't long before someone needs discipline. Claire is now screaming from sheer exhaustion, and I am trying to get the boys focused, while Silas is a whirlwind of loud activity around the room. Claire crawls over my feet, untying one of my fancy ribbons. I pick her up. She is red in the face, has snot in her nose, and has tears of frustration on her precious face. As I am rocking her to sleep, Silas comes up to me.
"Mooooomm!!!", he whispers.
"What?"
"Will it wake up Claire if I go poop?"
Sigh.
"No honey, you go ahead."
"OK!!"
Off he goes with a smile.
I still like my shoes. They don't make life any more glamorous, or me for that matter. But I suppose it is better to just keep things real.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Dear Lizzie... (3)
Dear Lizzie,
What ever did you do without technology? Well, the technology that I have available to me now that spoils me. I am having a bit of a rough time right now, and most of my best friends are at least 12 hours away from me. I can still speak to them though - by a device called a phone. Can you imagine that? I also send my letters in seconds. I can get a response in less than a day too. It helps and it is a comfort. Good friends are such a treasure. I am so thankful God has allowed me to live in a time when I can keep in touch from hundreds of miles away. I can't imagine what it was like for you to leave friends and family, and never know if you would ever see or talk to them again. Or when Frank was searching for your new home you had to wait days, or maybe weeks, to communicate with him. Did you worry about him often? Did the suspense become too much at times? Better you than me, Lizzie, I think. You seem to have been much more patient than I.
Yours Truly,
Charity
What ever did you do without technology? Well, the technology that I have available to me now that spoils me. I am having a bit of a rough time right now, and most of my best friends are at least 12 hours away from me. I can still speak to them though - by a device called a phone. Can you imagine that? I also send my letters in seconds. I can get a response in less than a day too. It helps and it is a comfort. Good friends are such a treasure. I am so thankful God has allowed me to live in a time when I can keep in touch from hundreds of miles away. I can't imagine what it was like for you to leave friends and family, and never know if you would ever see or talk to them again. Or when Frank was searching for your new home you had to wait days, or maybe weeks, to communicate with him. Did you worry about him often? Did the suspense become too much at times? Better you than me, Lizzie, I think. You seem to have been much more patient than I.
Yours Truly,
Charity
Dear Lord,
Show me if I am whining about being brought out of Egypt. Am I crying about the manna in the desert? Tell me if I am jonesing for a king other than you. Do I call out to you while the silver idol sits in the shrine with the wishy washy, hungry priest? When my heart is breaking, call it to you. When you are my portion it is enough. Help me smash the crown of self-importance I have placed on my head, but don't let me succumb to the burden I have strapped to my back. I can't see the way right now, but I know you are my path. "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
Show me if I am whining about being brought out of Egypt. Am I crying about the manna in the desert? Tell me if I am jonesing for a king other than you. Do I call out to you while the silver idol sits in the shrine with the wishy washy, hungry priest? When my heart is breaking, call it to you. When you are my portion it is enough. Help me smash the crown of self-importance I have placed on my head, but don't let me succumb to the burden I have strapped to my back. I can't see the way right now, but I know you are my path. "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above."
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