Dear Lizzie... (2)

Dear Lizzie,
Today I walked State Street in Augusta with my family.  My four little trick-or-treaters all dressed up, accepting the free candy with glee.  I had a Continental soldier, a John Deere Tractor, a Pirate, and a giraffe with me.  I know you don't know what a tractor is.  I suppose you have heard many stories of the Revolution, but it is a distant memory and the Civil War stories are more common.  Have you heard of pirates?  Surely you have.  I have one scurvy dog with me, I tell you!  I am going to bet you have read of giraffes in books.  We have had the privilege of seeing many in zoos; even getting to feed several.
I bet Frank would have scratched his head to see the kids decked out in strange costumes parading up and down a street he knew so well.  I suppose with your sturdy, but conservative, Christian background, you would have seen no good in it.  I assure you for us it is all in good fun.  The kids put a lot of time, effort, and creativity into their costumes this year.
It was interesting to imagine the Augusta you knew and compare it to the one I know.  The old buildings downtown bring a smile to my face.  I like to see the history preserved.

Yours Truly,
Charity

A Jumble About the Season Change

Green and soft.

Turn around, brown crunch.

Early warm and light.

More night and a hard start to the day.

Wander, meander, free to loose a plan.

Schedules, rush; two days to slow down.

Explosion of life, noise; gorgeous view.

Cold night, gray hue; sleep beckons.

The coldest, the darkest, before the dawn.

Wind down, slow down, heading towards rest.

Out of the dark time, newness renewed.

The light will come again.

The storm has passed through for the time being.  I have felt lighter that last couple of days.  That usually happens to me.  If I kind of touch the bottom with my toe it is enough to send me back up for air for awhile.  I think there is a lot of dying to self that I need to do.  I started a bit of that over the last two days, but boy is it hard.  It is good for me to not assume that all of the problem lies in things or people other than myself.  I need to take those planks from my eyes to stoke the fire of change.  Funny how I thought the tests in nursing school were hard!  I am pretty much guaranteed to fall and fail at all this.  But I am learning.  It is all any of us can do.

Dear Lizzie...

Dear Lizzie,
I am sitting in your house again today.  I think of you almost every time I am here.  I really wish I could have met you.  When I am here I often wonder what you would think of what I am doing.  I wonder if you would approve, disapprove, or just be confused.
I know I have a bit of your blood in my veins.  I am fascinated by your life, and am thankful that I know as much as I do about it.  I appreciate the hard work you did for your family, the love and devotion you had for your friends and church, and that you were honest.  I take great solace knowing that God was your foundation and focus.
I think you set the bar quite high.  I have a lot of work in my life to get to where I would not be embarrassed to show it to you.  Knowing I will soon occupy your space makes me want to be a better person.
I wish I could ask you about your struggles as a mom, wife, Christian, and survivor.  It would be so great to hear your answers.  I suppose I can deduce some of the answers from the snatches of journal we have.  For the rest, I will just have to wait till the someday we meet up.

Yours Truly,
Charity

Psalm 38

O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.  For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me.  Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.  My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.  My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.  I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.  My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.  I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longings lie open before you , O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.  My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.  Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception.  I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.  I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.  For I said, "Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."  For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.  I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.  Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous.  Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good.  O LORD, do not forsake me;  be not far from me, O my God.  Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.

6 Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord...And because the Israelites forsook the LORD and no longer served Him, 7 He became angry with them...

11 The LORD replied, "When the Egyptians, the Amorites, the Ammonites, the Philistines, 12 the Sidonians, the Amalekites and the Maonites oppressed you and you cried to me for help, did I not save you from their hands?  13 But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you.  14Go and cry out to the gods you have chosen.  Let them save you when you are in trouble!"  15 But the Israelites said to the LORD, "We have sinned.  Do with us whatever you think best, but please rescue us now."  16 Then they got rid of the foreign gods among them and served the LORD.  And He could bear Israel's misery no longer.

Selected verses from Judges chapter 10

I read this chapter to the boys this week.  We are reading through Judges.  Let me tell you the hope this inspired within me.  As I keep feeling like I am tripping up and landing flat on my face these days, it is easy to feel like there is much more fail than pass, let alone win.  As I make plans to do better, it is one step forward, trip, fall down the hill, and land flat on face.

I could just hear the exasperated frustration in God's tone as He told Israel to go to the gods they had been serving.  He didn't really mean for them to go to other gods, but it is the picture of God the Father having had it up to His all-seeing eyeballs with His delinquent kids.

"Again, Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD..."  How many times is this in the Bible?  How many times is this in my life?  I will admit I am getting a bit caught up in my failures and frustrations right now, but this passage almost made me cry at the hope and love it exudes.  God, having had His face slapped for the millionth time, turned it once again towards His love to save them.  He couldn't bear their pain anymore.  

This is the God I serve.  He loves me enough to throw me curve balls so I will keep running to Him. He loves me enough to not let me get away with being a mess.  He loves me enough to turn His face back to me when I hurt Him.  He loves me enough to address my pain.

Today I am not sure what is more tired: my eyes, my mind, or my spirit.  A couple of weeks of little sleep mixed with difficult situations and tests.  I have even wrestled with this blog.  Coming near to just deleting it.  Worried it isn't "entertaining" enough, or even worth the effort.  Then I remembered it really is just for me anyway - my free therapy.  So I am back to what I should have been doing all along anyway.
I am staring at my recent losses.  Not that I lost any sort of thing per se, but more like lost battles and contests.  My will is standing toe to toe with the will of one of my offspring as of late and I am about undone by it.  I have resolved to do a few things to be better organized and responsible, and then am promptly sabotaged by circumstances.  Can't win for losing, but must not quit learning for losing.  There is the struggle.  I have full faith God is sorting out this mess and I am sure is setting some of it up for me so I have no choice but to learn and grow.  I want to whine and take a nap, honestly.  I am too tired to work on this stuff.  But here it is in print now, convicting my eyeballs.  Plodding along one weary step at a time, tapping out the letters that tell the sentences of my life, worshiping the God who presides over my weakness.

I've got a dark cloud hanging around as of late.  It is really annoying.  I have been bearing its weight stubbornly but my knees are starting to buckle.  Things are changing again.  We are back from vacation and back to "real" life.  I started the process that will ultimately have me back to working outside the home.  We need to start in earnest the things that will get us into our own house.  The holidays are lurking around the corner.  These things swirl in my mind as we are less than two months from Chris' next CT scan.  I read recently in a devotional about how we are occasionally removed from things so we will be drawn more to God.  Admittedly, without my beloved friends who are now hours away, I am finding my "bring it on" attitude is exploring its softer side.  While I actually look forward to being more forcibly directed into God's arms, I cringe a bit at what it might mean I will have to deal with in the future.
I can tell how hard headed I am as this headache pounds against its sturdy prison.  More things to learn and relearn.  Necessity is the razor that is able to split need and want.  I just need to wield it with steady hands.

Sad Happy

I had a "sad happy" moment today.  I don't know if that term exists already or not, but I coined it for myself just a couple of days ago.  A friend I can no longer see in person told me they missed me and it simultaneously made my day and saddened me.  There are too many people I still miss deeply after the move.  I probably will miss some of those dear folks for the rest of my life.
Anyway, today we went to see Grandma at her apartment.  It had been too long since we had been there.  We have seen her other places several times but only for shorter visits.  Grandma is so in love with her great-grandchildren.  If you didn't know she had a whole herd of them and only heard her speak of one at a time, you would think that child the most amazing child to have ever been birthed.  While she is still quite thrilled with my male offspring, sweet little Claire has quite stolen her heart.  She usually wants Claire to sit on her lap to play so she can get in some great cuddle time.  Claire has become quite taken herself with Great-grandma Anna, so she usually enjoys the time.  Grandma had set out the two dolls she has for Claire to play with.  Claire had these as well as a couple of her own we brought and was having a grand old time talking to the dolls as well as the real people in the room.  Being 14 months old we don't always understand Claire, even when she is quite earnest in what she is saying.  It didn't stop the fun though.  At one point Claire pulled off one of grandma's clip on ear ring.  She then held it up to her own ear trying to see how it might adhere.  It was adorable.  Grandma got quite a kick out of the whole thing.  Grandma then showed her a photo frame that had a picture of her and grandpa.  It was for their 50th wedding anniversary.  The frame had a wind up music box on the back.  Claire loves music and was thoroughly delighted when grandma wound it up and the delicate melody chimed out.  She smiled and did her little Claire dance.  Each time the music would fade grandma would wind it up again.  It didn't take long before Claire was trying to wind it herself, her keen eyes not missing what was being done to bring the music back.
I sat and stared at the interaction.  At that point it was just the two of them and the music as far as they were concerned.  Ages apart, worlds apart, but so totally content and in love.  One is 93, one just barley over a year old.  I was sad to think of grandma's youth, now gone.  I was almost a bit overwhelmed to think how much life is between the stages of those two women.  I am caught somewhere in the middle.  Not wanting to go back so far as Claire, unsettled with where I am now, and not ready for what grandma is going through.  Unconcerned,  oblivious really, to my thoughts, however, the two of them sat in happy bliss.  Just to enjoy each others company was all that was needed.  It warmed my heart to see it.  It saddened me to know how brief a snapshot in time it really was.
Sad Happy.  I think ultimately it is good for the heart.

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1.03.01

"The heavens declare the Glory of the Lord."
This verse came to mind as Chris and I soared above the clouds on our way to Florida for eventual adventure on the high seas.  I had not been to the ocean in eight years.  Oh, it was way too long.  Once our cruise ship left the port and the ocean stretched ahead of me I was again instantly in love with it all.  The sounds, the smells, the colors!!  Where else does a deep navy blue turn into the most beautiful turquoise topped with white froth?
I spent countless minutes staring over the rail - completely taken by the water's power.  I realize when that verse was written not many had been out fully in the open sea with no land in sight.  The heavens are truly glorious, but for me the ocean tops the skies.  The vast seas really do declare the Glory of the Lord.
The ocean reminds me of how small I really am.  It is such a vast space.  It is full of alien like creatures and holds countless secrets, many of which we will never realize.  The perpetual tides never tire at circulating the water.  The waves pound the shore and wash onto land various treasures to the delight of beachcombers.  I found three sharks teeth on that trip, and I marvel to think of the creatures that once utilized the sharp, triangular pieces of bone.
Many times as I looked over the rail my mind wandered to thoughts of being stranded out there.  Without a boat and provisions you might as well be stranded on Antarctica.  Maybe that was the draw of past sailors - such beauty mixed with danger and uncertainty.  Of course you can't ignore the lure that travel and adventure have as well.
I have often wondered why God put so much wonder in a part of the Earth that is difficult for us to know.  Past generations could never have imagined the realm of the deep sea - volcanic vents and glow in the dark fish.
My frustration at being landlocked is eased a bit by realizing I will never wet my toes in the salty expanse enough for it to become routine.  Each time will be exciting and awe inspiring.
The heavens, the ocean, yes, even the prairie declares the Glory of the Lord.  They have his hand print on them.  He has allowed some to be beautiful, some to be magnificent, and some to be nearly overwhelming in the wondrous spell they cast.