First Up, Life is Changing

I waited such a long time for you. Looking back, I was hardly ready, and certainly not nearly as mature as I should have been. You are the only person that has changed me in a split second.  I named you Levi because it means, “attached.” I couldn’t think of a better meaning to apply to the first life to ever grow inside me.

Your boyishness didn’t take long to emerge. Where did you learn truck and tractor sound effects?

I felt fear, love, pride, fatigue, failure, and purpose in ways I never knew existed. 

You won’t stop growing and now you are up to my shoulder with your long lean self. I swear those arms and legs are ten feet long!  Your face is now thin and structured, but if I’m lucky I catch a look that plunges me back to your toddler hood. 

You are wild and rough, and you love to play war. You pour over history books and fall asleep with them in your bed. At times I don’t know how to contain you, but then I wonder if I really want to. I pause mid-step, almost daily, because you’ve said something that reveals your brilliance. I wonder how you know these things.

Just when I think I might go crazy because I can’t get you to be quite, or hold still, or just listen for a minute, it happens - you come to me, your wide, blue-gray windows to your soul all moist. 

“I’m just so sad. I don’t know why.”

You are so full of emotion and it spills out into my heart and then I hurt. I hug you hard because I am this way too, and I understand. Our emotions make us fragile and vulnerable. But not weak. 

I love you so, and can’t wait to see who you become. 

My firstborn. My boy with man trying to bust through. I’ve made more mistakes with you than with your siblings. Curse of the firstborn.

I’m still proud enough to pop over you. You have the ability to change the world. While I may try to shape you a bit, help you see things in a different light, I don’t want you to change.

You are exactly who God knew I needed. 

Mommy loves you, Levi