Dear Lizzie... (2)

Dear Lizzie,
Today I walked State Street in Augusta with my family.  My four little trick-or-treaters all dressed up, accepting the free candy with glee.  I had a Continental soldier, a John Deere Tractor, a Pirate, and a giraffe with me.  I know you don't know what a tractor is.  I suppose you have heard many stories of the Revolution, but it is a distant memory and the Civil War stories are more common.  Have you heard of pirates?  Surely you have.  I have one scurvy dog with me, I tell you!  I am going to bet you have read of giraffes in books.  We have had the privilege of seeing many in zoos; even getting to feed several.
I bet Frank would have scratched his head to see the kids decked out in strange costumes parading up and down a street he knew so well.  I suppose with your sturdy, but conservative, Christian background, you would have seen no good in it.  I assure you for us it is all in good fun.  The kids put a lot of time, effort, and creativity into their costumes this year.
It was interesting to imagine the Augusta you knew and compare it to the one I know.  The old buildings downtown bring a smile to my face.  I like to see the history preserved.

Yours Truly,
Charity

A Jumble About the Season Change

Green and soft.

Turn around, brown crunch.

Early warm and light.

More night and a hard start to the day.

Wander, meander, free to loose a plan.

Schedules, rush; two days to slow down.

Explosion of life, noise; gorgeous view.

Cold night, gray hue; sleep beckons.

The coldest, the darkest, before the dawn.

Wind down, slow down, heading towards rest.

Out of the dark time, newness renewed.

The light will come again.

The storm has passed through for the time being.  I have felt lighter that last couple of days.  That usually happens to me.  If I kind of touch the bottom with my toe it is enough to send me back up for air for awhile.  I think there is a lot of dying to self that I need to do.  I started a bit of that over the last two days, but boy is it hard.  It is good for me to not assume that all of the problem lies in things or people other than myself.  I need to take those planks from my eyes to stoke the fire of change.  Funny how I thought the tests in nursing school were hard!  I am pretty much guaranteed to fall and fail at all this.  But I am learning.  It is all any of us can do.

Dear Lizzie...

Dear Lizzie,
I am sitting in your house again today.  I think of you almost every time I am here.  I really wish I could have met you.  When I am here I often wonder what you would think of what I am doing.  I wonder if you would approve, disapprove, or just be confused.
I know I have a bit of your blood in my veins.  I am fascinated by your life, and am thankful that I know as much as I do about it.  I appreciate the hard work you did for your family, the love and devotion you had for your friends and church, and that you were honest.  I take great solace knowing that God was your foundation and focus.
I think you set the bar quite high.  I have a lot of work in my life to get to where I would not be embarrassed to show it to you.  Knowing I will soon occupy your space makes me want to be a better person.
I wish I could ask you about your struggles as a mom, wife, Christian, and survivor.  It would be so great to hear your answers.  I suppose I can deduce some of the answers from the snatches of journal we have.  For the rest, I will just have to wait till the someday we meet up.

Yours Truly,
Charity

Psalm 38

O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.  For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me.  Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.  My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.  My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.  I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.  My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.  I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longings lie open before you , O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.  My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.  Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception.  I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.  I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.  For I said, "Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."  For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.  I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.  Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous.  Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good.  O LORD, do not forsake me;  be not far from me, O my God.  Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.

6 Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord...And because the Israelites forsook the LORD and no longer served Him, 7 He became angry with them...

11 The LORD replied, "When the Egyptians, the Amorites, the Ammonites, the Philistines, 12 the Sidonians, the Amalekites and the Maonites oppressed you and you cried to me for help, did I not save you from their hands?  13 But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you.  14Go and cry out to the gods you have chosen.  Let them save you when you are in trouble!"  15 But the Israelites said to the LORD, "We have sinned.  Do with us whatever you think best, but please rescue us now."  16 Then they got rid of the foreign gods among them and served the LORD.  And He could bear Israel's misery no longer.

Selected verses from Judges chapter 10

I read this chapter to the boys this week.  We are reading through Judges.  Let me tell you the hope this inspired within me.  As I keep feeling like I am tripping up and landing flat on my face these days, it is easy to feel like there is much more fail than pass, let alone win.  As I make plans to do better, it is one step forward, trip, fall down the hill, and land flat on face.

I could just hear the exasperated frustration in God's tone as He told Israel to go to the gods they had been serving.  He didn't really mean for them to go to other gods, but it is the picture of God the Father having had it up to His all-seeing eyeballs with His delinquent kids.

"Again, Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD..."  How many times is this in the Bible?  How many times is this in my life?  I will admit I am getting a bit caught up in my failures and frustrations right now, but this passage almost made me cry at the hope and love it exudes.  God, having had His face slapped for the millionth time, turned it once again towards His love to save them.  He couldn't bear their pain anymore.  

This is the God I serve.  He loves me enough to throw me curve balls so I will keep running to Him. He loves me enough to not let me get away with being a mess.  He loves me enough to turn His face back to me when I hurt Him.  He loves me enough to address my pain.

Today I am not sure what is more tired: my eyes, my mind, or my spirit.  A couple of weeks of little sleep mixed with difficult situations and tests.  I have even wrestled with this blog.  Coming near to just deleting it.  Worried it isn't "entertaining" enough, or even worth the effort.  Then I remembered it really is just for me anyway - my free therapy.  So I am back to what I should have been doing all along anyway.
I am staring at my recent losses.  Not that I lost any sort of thing per se, but more like lost battles and contests.  My will is standing toe to toe with the will of one of my offspring as of late and I am about undone by it.  I have resolved to do a few things to be better organized and responsible, and then am promptly sabotaged by circumstances.  Can't win for losing, but must not quit learning for losing.  There is the struggle.  I have full faith God is sorting out this mess and I am sure is setting some of it up for me so I have no choice but to learn and grow.  I want to whine and take a nap, honestly.  I am too tired to work on this stuff.  But here it is in print now, convicting my eyeballs.  Plodding along one weary step at a time, tapping out the letters that tell the sentences of my life, worshiping the God who presides over my weakness.