Don't Froo Froo up my Chocolate

Chris bought a bar of “gourmet” chocolate the other day. He doesn’t eat “normal” chocolate often. First of all, for him the darker the better. This to me is as fun as eating coffee grounds. I will eat dark chocolate if there is no other chocolate option, but let’s face it - a little milk and sugar go a long way when married with that cocoa. Then he likes to buy weird stuff like a chocolate bacon bar. No, bacon fat doesn’t make everything better.
So he buys this bar with black sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi. Dark chocolate of course. It wasn’t too bad, I do like ginger. Here is what just killed me: directions on the back for how to “enjoy a gourmet chocolate bar.” Hmmmm. OK.
The first thing you are to do is breathe. By doing this apparently you will “quiet the chattering mind and be in the present moment.” Just by eating the chocolate my mind will feel better. How about quieting my chattering kids? Now that can make a mama wanna be present.
Next you are to see. Yes, because I can see I have picked out the chocolate. If I could not see I would find it by smell. I will not put off the satisfaction of taste in order to appreciate some hidden beauty in the bar’s “glossy shine.” Unless it is as dry as chalk I will eat it and don’t care if there is a flawless temper.
The third step is to snap the bar in two with your hands and witness the internal structure and ingredients. My teeth work great to snap and break chocolate. The aesthetics of what you put in chocolate do not impress me. Why don’t you wow me with some ooey gooey caramel or finger likin’ good peanut butter? In my house when you break a bar in two with your hands it is then assumed you are preparing to share. That is a dangerous commitment. Better to shove the whole thing in at once so it is either unseen or no longer desired by others.
If you still have chocolate left and are dreamily admiring it then you should now taste. Yes, finally. “Break the chocolate into small pieces that spread across your tongue, pause.” I think I have established that I would have already broken the chocolate with my teeth and that pausing is dangerous. I do not have time to pause with a mouthful of anything. I like to keep my mouth ready for the next bite and to dole out the next bit of redirection for the offspring. Also in this step you are to repeat breathing. Just in case you stopped, and in that case you are not conscious now. The person giving you mouth to mouth will appreciate the chocolate you have left there for them to savor. If you did remember to breathe then “based on your sensory history” you will now taste subtle flavors based on smell. Check.
Finally you are to sense. I think we have been working on that already, no? I sense chocolate makes me feel better. The children sense mama has something they might want. I sense I need to hide what I cannot consume in one sitting. I sense I am not a frilly, gourmet chocolate kinda girl.
I am real. I like me some good chocolate. But if I find a year old Hershey’s kiss in good condition I will not turn up my nose and toss it out. I will breathe a sigh of relief, smell the sweet goodness as the wraper comes off, see my good luck, snap it in two with my molars, taste the creamy, chocolaty goodness, and sense the relief flood over me as I consume the unexpected treat.
I can clean up nice, but the real me is not afraid to get dirty. If you can live in a world where you have time to swirl your wine and take several steps to enjoy your dessert, then you go for it. I am happy for you that you have the luxury, really I am. I don’t, and that is fine by me too. I am going to stick my sparkly, painted toes in the creek with the kids while chompin’ my Hershey’s.