I Might Put My Shoulders Down

Annnnnnnnnd... cue the large sigh.  It's here. It's really here.  A year is gone and Chris is actually done with treatment, and we are left with a good word.  A year ago I was trying to figure out how I could be a single mom.  I was sure this was going to go south.  A year ago I had to tell the boys their dad had cancer.  I realized today that this has been like a pregnancy in a way.  Of course a pregnancy is a much happier event.  Would you believe at least like labor?  Look at it this way.  It has been months of waiting.  Lots of pain.  Now, after the pain, relief and new life.  Like labor, now that it is over I don't really remember how bad it hurt.  At least right now.  I am just so relieved for it to be finished.  Chris had a clean CT scan today, his first scan post chemo.  Chris has "no evidence of viable disease."  We can't say "cure" or "remission".  That's OK.  I am a realist and a skeptic, so I would much rather call it like it is.  The road still stretches before us and we can't see what is around the bend.  A year down the road has taught me a lot.  I am different now but I don't want to be who I was before.  I can hardly believe we got a miracle we don't deserve.  Chris was not expected to do this well.  Witnessing the power of prayer is pretty special.
I have this muscle in my left shoulder that gets very sore when I am stressed or carry something too long.  It is my cue that I need to relax and pay attention to my body.  Today I felt like I could put my shoulders down and release the tension.  If that feeling is just for today, well that is one more day than I have had for a whole year.

Jeremiah 32:17

Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens

 and the earth by your great power

 and outstretched arm.  Nothing is too hard for you.

Don't Froo Froo up my Chocolate

Chris bought a bar of “gourmet” chocolate the other day. He doesn’t eat “normal” chocolate often. First of all, for him the darker the better. This to me is as fun as eating coffee grounds. I will eat dark chocolate if there is no other chocolate option, but let’s face it - a little milk and sugar go a long way when married with that cocoa. Then he likes to buy weird stuff like a chocolate bacon bar. No, bacon fat doesn’t make everything better.
So he buys this bar with black sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi. Dark chocolate of course. It wasn’t too bad, I do like ginger. Here is what just killed me: directions on the back for how to “enjoy a gourmet chocolate bar.” Hmmmm. OK.
The first thing you are to do is breathe. By doing this apparently you will “quiet the chattering mind and be in the present moment.” Just by eating the chocolate my mind will feel better. How about quieting my chattering kids? Now that can make a mama wanna be present.
Next you are to see. Yes, because I can see I have picked out the chocolate. If I could not see I would find it by smell. I will not put off the satisfaction of taste in order to appreciate some hidden beauty in the bar’s “glossy shine.” Unless it is as dry as chalk I will eat it and don’t care if there is a flawless temper.
The third step is to snap the bar in two with your hands and witness the internal structure and ingredients. My teeth work great to snap and break chocolate. The aesthetics of what you put in chocolate do not impress me. Why don’t you wow me with some ooey gooey caramel or finger likin’ good peanut butter? In my house when you break a bar in two with your hands it is then assumed you are preparing to share. That is a dangerous commitment. Better to shove the whole thing in at once so it is either unseen or no longer desired by others.
If you still have chocolate left and are dreamily admiring it then you should now taste. Yes, finally. “Break the chocolate into small pieces that spread across your tongue, pause.” I think I have established that I would have already broken the chocolate with my teeth and that pausing is dangerous. I do not have time to pause with a mouthful of anything. I like to keep my mouth ready for the next bite and to dole out the next bit of redirection for the offspring. Also in this step you are to repeat breathing. Just in case you stopped, and in that case you are not conscious now. The person giving you mouth to mouth will appreciate the chocolate you have left there for them to savor. If you did remember to breathe then “based on your sensory history” you will now taste subtle flavors based on smell. Check.
Finally you are to sense. I think we have been working on that already, no? I sense chocolate makes me feel better. The children sense mama has something they might want. I sense I need to hide what I cannot consume in one sitting. I sense I am not a frilly, gourmet chocolate kinda girl.
I am real. I like me some good chocolate. But if I find a year old Hershey’s kiss in good condition I will not turn up my nose and toss it out. I will breathe a sigh of relief, smell the sweet goodness as the wraper comes off, see my good luck, snap it in two with my molars, taste the creamy, chocolaty goodness, and sense the relief flood over me as I consume the unexpected treat.
I can clean up nice, but the real me is not afraid to get dirty. If you can live in a world where you have time to swirl your wine and take several steps to enjoy your dessert, then you go for it. I am happy for you that you have the luxury, really I am. I don’t, and that is fine by me too. I am going to stick my sparkly, painted toes in the creek with the kids while chompin’ my Hershey’s.

Don't Rock the Boat

While I wanted to write something funny and witty this morning, it was more of a serious thought that greeted my conscious mind when the birds woke me up. Last night I had a surprise party for Chris to celebrate the end of cancer treatment for him. When I say “I” had the party that is only partially true. I only did a fraction of the work because I have awesome friends that are always jumping in to help me.
I wanted to celebrate because it has been a really tough year for us. Last April was when Chris got his first diagnosis of cancer. I have the privilege of hindsight now. Though it was the worst year of my life in many ways, it was also amazing and exactly what I needed. I grew spiritually, felt God’s presence in breathtaking and new ways, made extraordinary friendships, learned to prioritize better, and was forced to meet up with mortality face to face.
But who, you ask, wants to feel mortality’s cool breath on their face? Who wants to look into those unwavering and knowing eyes? We can’t sweep mortality under the rug, so we set it up next to the other gorillas in the corner of the room and strategically set a lamp in front of it. Logic says fearing what we can’t predict or know fully is foolish. Emotions hinder the logic mind and allow fear to do its damage. So as an emotional person who has snatches of logical thinking, here is my take on the whole matter.
If you are riding in a canoe or other easily overturned craft with another person, what do you wish of that person? Don’t rock the boat. Don’t put me in danger of going overboard. If you go out on the ocean in anything that floats, be it a surf board or a cruise liner, what are you concerned of? Making it back to land, preferably without any bodily harm. Self preservation is a strong drive.
When we hear that someone has a grave illness, like cancer, it is easy to feel there is no hope. It is easy to think their days on earth are now shortened. I have felt that way but I see it differently now. While they may die sooner than later, they may also outlive you or I. See, God promised that He is the one who numbers our days. Not some disease. Whether we like it or not, we are all in the same boat. The future is not ours to know. This means you better have a firm foundation in something. I have chosen my foundation to be God. I will not force that down your throat, but I will highly recommend it to you because I care. I care that as many people as possible get to experience His love. I believe He is the only life preserver that really works in a gale.
While the storm may have weakened or passed for us right now, I know it will come back. Maybe the same storm, maybe something different. I don’t want to fall out of the boat. But when I get too focused on the waves and wind then I do what Peter did and sink like a rock. So, I will go against the flow. I will choose to jump out of the boat and ignore the waves. Jesus’ hand is there. The tough times will obscure it, I know. I have to keep looking for it. But self preservation is a strong drive. The only way to save my life is to give it up to Him. He will take better care of it than I, and He will take better care of the ones that I love than I. Praise God for that.

Everybody Freeze!

So I'm watching this commercial where a father is worried about how late his daughter has been out. She proceeds to tell him he won't have to worry about that much longer as she shows him an engagement ring. As I am watching this Claire is sleeping in my arms. I became nauseated, looked down at her, and said, "You are staying with mama, OK?" This was only half in jest as it was also a bit of a weak plea. I looked around the room at the other kids. Why do they have to get big so fast? Why is everyone right when they say all those things they say so you won't waste your children's childhood? They say them with such a knowing tone. Now I know and I don't want to know. I looked at Chris.

"How horrible is life going to be when we can't fix it for them or make it all better?!?!"

As I let my eyes wander from child to child again I tried to think of something I could not fix for them. I came up blank. How long can I have that satisfaction? How long before my mom powers aren't enough? So I took matters into my own hands.

"Everybody FREEZE!!!!! Nobody grows an inch!"

The oldest two looked at me in sad sympathy. That look that says, "Poor mom. If she only knew how crazy she is."

Insert sound bite of large, wistful, anguished sigh here.

I'm gonna be good enough and be what it takes for as long as I can. I hope they remember that. When I am no longer enough, I hope they don't take too long to realize how good I was, so that they come running back. I don't want to be lonely for them too long.

My Pile of Rocks

I am kind of in that no man's land that you wander into during transition. I don't normally welcome big changes and I become awkward during the whole ordeal. But one thing I have resolved is that I must remember. I have to remember how hard the last year was. I have to remember the pain, fear, doubt, anger, frustration, agony, loneliness, but most importantly the love of God in it all. When I look back now I see amazing provision. The path for us has been made smooth and easy to trod in the midst of the chaos. Yeah, Pharaoh has been breathing down our necks but the river bed is dry my friends. By God's grace we crossed the Jordan.

My dad used to make up stories to tell us at bedtime. But one he told was non fiction. The story of Joshua at Gilgal. He used this high pitched crazy kid voice to ask the question, "Mommy & Daddy, what are these rocks here for?" It always made us laugh. I can still hear it. Here I am years later remembering that story, just like I need to remember the story of last year.

I have a funny habit of wanting to collect rocks from places I visit. I guess rocks are sort of universally good for remembrance. For now I have a figurative pile. The next time I own a house it will be a real pile. And I hope my kids (and grandkids) ask me why they are there.

And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' For the Lord your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The Lord your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.

Down and Dirty Nuts and Bolts

So, I said I would whip up a re-cap of the last year. Since I started all this as a way to chronicle the coming year (that is all I am committing to so far) I should probably let you all in on a review of last year. It is why the coming year is so important. I don’t anticipate many readers of this blog. There are only millions to choose from and I am sure anyone finding mine is truly like finding the needle in the haystack. But, by the off chance you find yourself reading this and wonder why last year was big for our family, well, here you go.

First I think I will have to give you a really quick rundown life leading up to the last year. We have been through a lot of tough events. This I believe was from God. Kind of like runners need to train for the marathon, we had several events that tested us. We got stronger each time. If it weren’t for all that we would have buckled and not recovered for sure. If my story telling was like cake, then this is the cake your 5 year old decorated. It tastes OK, but it isn’t professional and it isn’t pretty.

Ready… set… go!

Chris and I got married in 1995. I was in college. Chris has several jobs from the time we married to when I graduated. I am an RN and got out of school in 1998. After a year of work, we moved to Minnesota for Chris to go to school in Redwing. He is now a luthier. I got to work at Mayo! I loved that job. Our first son was born there three months before we moved back home to Kansas in the summer of 2001. Chris got a job at a violin shop. It is easy for me to find work. I will not bore you with all the jobs I have had. We move on.

Our second son was born in December of 2002. After three years, Chris lost his job at the shop he worked at. It is a long story that I am not going into now. He is on great terms with the shop owner still just so you know. No hard feelings.

After much talk and deliberation and a year of Chris making it by fixing cars we decided to find him another luthier job. We wound up in Nashville, TN in the summer of 2005. Seven months after we moved here we bought a great house in Kingston Springs. A year after coming here Chris lost his job at the violin shop he was at. Another long story with not as pretty of an ending, but it’s OK. Oh, did I mention he lost his job not long after we closed on our house, and I was pregnant with number three at the time? Just to top it off, I was put on work restrictions, then told not to work at all due to pregnancy complications. So he and a couple of other repair guys started their own buisness. I had our third son 5 weeks early in August of 2006. I was in the hospital for 8 days with ruptured membranes. Silas spent 3 weeks in the NICU. Not a part of my life I look back on with warm fuzzies.

A year after the guys went out on their own it fell apart. Chris got a great job at Williams Fine Violins, which is where he is currently. That was divine provision for sure. I worked from the time Silas was one up to right before his second birthday. We home school (gasp!), and working two night shifts a week while taking all that on was killing me. We felt, and still feel, strongly that home schooling is right for our family. So we stepped out in faith and I quit work in the summer of 2008.

So, skip to the early winter of 2008-2009. Chris had some nagging non specific back pain he didn’t think much of. He thought that maybe the chair he had a work was the problem. Then in February of 2009 he started to have some blood in his urine. Later that month he had one of the worst nights he has ever had. Pure agony. He was up all night with intense lower pack and abdominal pain. We finally thought he had kidney stones. I was sick myself. Oh yeah, pregnant again. Not planned, but I was excited. After the shock I was promptly in love with my baby and anxiously waited till I could meet he/she. Anyway, we basically thought we were waiting for the little stones to make there way into the world. Never happened. He did pass some impressive blood clots. Big ones. The next few weeks were long and involved, but here is where we ended up. Chris at the doctor with what we thought were trapped kidney stones and a possible infection. On March 13th of 2009 (our first son’s birthday) Chris had a CT scan. That scan showed a tumor on his right kidney and questionable areas in lymph nodes and his lungs. He eventually saw an oncologist and had a biopsy. The first biopsy was not super conclusive. We were told that Chris had renal cell carcinoma. That it was “everywhere.” In his kidney, lymph nodes, liver, lungs, “everywhere.” We were told that if treatment didn’t work he maybe had to the end of the year. We were told in an incredibly uncaring and cold way. We were told there was one medicine he could try that might work. He could do that for three months and then we would do another CT scan.

To say I felt trapped, overwhelmed, hopeless, well that would be an understatement.

I almost collapsed in the parking garage after that appointment. Chris had to help me to the van.

Needless to say we sought more info. After a second biopsy he was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma. This is usually a bone cancer, and is usually in young people ages 10-20. Chris was 37 at the time of diagnosis and all his cancer has been in the soft tissue. We eventually sought treatment at Vanderbilt and found a sarcoma expert there. We have been thrilled with his treatment.

What I (we) have been through emotionally is gigantic. It is too big to recap on this blog. Ask me sometime and I can go into it with you if you care to know. I learned a lot. God is big, which is why I am typing this today.

Chris started chemo in May of 2009. We had to sell the house we loved in Kingston Springs and move to a rental. In August of 2009 there was a benefit concert for us organized by the amazing people at Chris’ work, and brought to life by a huge list of volunteers. I still don’t know for sure how many worked on that. A great line up of music. And you know who agreed to come??? Allison Krauss. Uh huh, you read it right. Our family has been living on proceeds form a concert and donations from generous people for over 7 months now. Here are my goosebumps again…

Also an amazing event in August was the birth of our fourth child and first daughter!! Claire Elizabeth Fontaine. That baby girl has been the most amazing blessing.

Chris had surgery to remove his right kidney and 21 lymph nodes plus a ton of surrounding tissue in October of 2009.

He finished chemo March 12th, 2010. He had twelve rounds all in 21 day cycles except for the interruption of the surgery.

I have had long days and nights at home alone with the 4 kids. I have not had much help from Chris with Claire. Needless to say I am tired. But we have had an army of people caring for us, providing for us, and reaching out to us. God has been an ever present, strong presence.

If the future is good God will be there and I will praise Him. If the future is bad God will be there and it is my goal to praise Him still.

Sorry that was so choppy. I could make it more eloquent if I had time. Unfortunately I could whine a lot more if I had time too, and no one wants to hear that.

So, let’s see how the next year goes. We kind of feel like we are on an adventure. We don’t really know what will happen. That’s OK, we have practice with that.

Redemption

What a relief to do March 13th over. It was a great day, really. Homemade cinnamon roles for Levi's birthday breakfast. Of course I had to get up at 5 to do that since I knew he would be up early. He won't remember that sacrifice, but I will and it will do me good. The boys all went out to play while Chris went back to bed for a nap. I realized too late that Levi had gone out in his camo jammies and cowboy boots to ride his bike. Ugh. Oh well, at least we are only renting and I don't think the neighbors saw.

We finally headed over to Phillips Toy Mart so Levi could spend his birthday booty. We can now re-enact the Civil War with Playmobil soldiers and a little help from some ancient Romans if we want to.

We went to Rainforest Cafe for dinner as last year. This time I didn't have to read a CT report describing my husband's renal tumor on the way. My food was a little tastier this year. We had a two hour wait for a table so we strolled the mall a bit. I scored the cutest coat for Claire for next winter. Originally $50 at The Children's Place, I got it for $8.50. Oh yeah! After some soft pretzels to keep blood sugars up, more walking, Korean bubble tea, bathroom break, and then feeding Claire, we were off to eat. We could relax. We could let tears well up this time because of how awesome our kids are and that Chris doesn't think he will miss all their birthdays now. Even though Chris feels like crud from having poison injected for the last five days, I do think he had a great time. Look, he can even smile for a picture this year.

Today was a gift. A deliberate gift. Some think when tragedy strikes that God isn't there. Or that He doesn't really care. Or maybe He even dropped the ball. The worst is when they think it is because He is carrying out some horrid judgement. Yes, the past year has been a mess. It has rocked me to my core. I am wrung out and tired to my bones. I have been to the bottom of the pit. But my God has been with me the whole way. What human could have planned Chris' treatment over the last year to end on March 12th? One day before the year anniversary of finding out he had some type of cancer? Do you know how many variables had to fall into place for it to happen the way it did? Today was God saying to us, "It's bad, I know, but I am here. See this? Only I could do this." It still gives me goosebumps.