“What have you done?”
“I tried to hold still the day.”
“How?”
“I firmly planted my feet. I raised my right hand against the sun, blocking it’s path across the sky. I lifted my face to the north wind, denying its travel to the south. With my left hand I stilled the western sky, banishing it to an eternal state of pre-dawn darkness and gray dusk. I turned my back to the south, blocking it’s warmth and damming up it’s hot wind. I willed the day to be still, frozen, unchanging. The good in my life would be forever good. While the bad would remain unchanged, no new ills or woes could develop. I would always know what there was and how things are. Nothing unexpected would challenge me.”
“Did you find success in this?”
“I… did not.”
“Did it bring you peace?”
“No. Not true peace.”
“What became of you? You look weary.”
“ My right hand caught fire and became useless. The sun then churned forward in it’s anger from all the new days that had been stolen from it. My left hand became gray and listless; it’s purpose stolen while living in a land of unfinished ends and beginnings. My face became frozen and lifeless - unable to feel or see beauty in anything. My back burned, scorched by a vindictive southern wind - it’s warmth in a fury over countless new lives and growth it had not been able to trigger. I then saw the new mercy I did not receive, the resolution of guilt and trouble, and new challenges that made me stronger. My control was a sham and I never really held anything at bay. I fear pain and loss, but they are inevitable. I wasted my time on trying to stop them when I should have learned how to survive, heal, grow, and then serve. I am so exhausted.”
“Was it for naught?”
“At first it seemed so - but I grow the most when I have been broken. I am dealing with the frustration of this fact.”
“What will you do now?”
“I am digesting new found truths. I am learning to use new strengths.”
“You may regress.”
“I am sure I shall. Soon I will falter, perhaps even stumble and fall.”
“Then what will you do? Will you try to halt the celestial dance again?”
“No. I know I won’t succeed in that. I have to keep getting up. Time does not have the authority to wait for me. I must endure it’s sequelae. But beauty and truth can accompany pain.”
“It is a hard lesson to learn and you will need reminders. There are those that will help you, but when you fight this sort of thing you must be prepared to be attacked. It is… inevitable.”
“I have to train and prepare. I have to surround myself with authentic companions. I have learned some, but also know I have a long way to go. My true hope comes from knowing this life has guaranteed deliverance. When I still myself, and learn to appreciate the rhythm of the heavens, the sun will tell me what it has seen while I slept.”
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Brief Intro to the New Adventure
Well folks, it seems we shall be re-purposing a farm house built in 1871. Not what I had in mind when we moved back to Kansas. I always wish I could somehow see God's facial expression when He slips the unexpected curve ball in. I can almost hear Him say, "You didn't see that coming, huh?!?" The circumstances around this adventure are complex and emotional, so I won't go into those now. The house still belongs to my grandmother. It was originally inhabited by my great-great grandfather and grandmother, Franklin and Elizabeth Ayres. I affectionately refer to them as Frank and Lizzie. They were some pretty amazing people and I am excited to live where they have trod. There will be some demo work and remodeling to an extent. We are juggling aesthetics, safety, and budget. It will be all very interesting to say the least. Stay tuned for pictures and updates. Oh, and wish us luck and feel free to whisper some prayers. I am sure we will need them.
The Princess is One
Talk about transition. If ever there was an example of transition, it is the first year of life for any child. Or, how about from conception to that first birthday. One cell to a walkie-talkie. Amazing.
Here is to you, my Princess. The first year of your life has been tumultuous. You showed up unexpectedly and took our breath away. You were comfort in trying times; a soft little package of love to calm the soul. You were a smile to brighten the hospital room and dainty enough to hold when daddy was hurting. You were a chance for mommy to finally be girly in the midst of testosterone overload.
You were weak, helpless, dependent, fragile, needy, unresponsive. You are strong, learning to do for yourself, quick to get your needs met, learning to fend and defend, and full of love, smiles, and kisses. You cried and cooed; now you speak with emphasis. You laid still; now you crawl, roll, stand, and get into everything. You wanted only me; now though you prefer me, you love to interact with others.
You are so beautiful. You are smart and cunning. I see in your face that you are thinking all things through. You in turn study the face of others. You get to know them first, then offer your love. You will be a force to be reckoned with someday. I love you fiercely.
Your brothers went through similar transitions. They are changing too. You, my girlie girl will offer me a different sort of companionship than they. I can’t wait to traverse life with you.
Happy first year, my dear one. I am so thankful God gave you to me. Your brothers are surely the cake, which makes you the icing. Mommy is a lucky, lucky lady.
Here is to you, my Princess. The first year of your life has been tumultuous. You showed up unexpectedly and took our breath away. You were comfort in trying times; a soft little package of love to calm the soul. You were a smile to brighten the hospital room and dainty enough to hold when daddy was hurting. You were a chance for mommy to finally be girly in the midst of testosterone overload.
You were weak, helpless, dependent, fragile, needy, unresponsive. You are strong, learning to do for yourself, quick to get your needs met, learning to fend and defend, and full of love, smiles, and kisses. You cried and cooed; now you speak with emphasis. You laid still; now you crawl, roll, stand, and get into everything. You wanted only me; now though you prefer me, you love to interact with others.
You are so beautiful. You are smart and cunning. I see in your face that you are thinking all things through. You in turn study the face of others. You get to know them first, then offer your love. You will be a force to be reckoned with someday. I love you fiercely.
Your brothers went through similar transitions. They are changing too. You, my girlie girl will offer me a different sort of companionship than they. I can’t wait to traverse life with you.
Happy first year, my dear one. I am so thankful God gave you to me. Your brothers are surely the cake, which makes you the icing. Mommy is a lucky, lucky lady.
Claire Elizabeth Fontaine
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Mercy Dawns
I watched the silver moon bow to the pink of dawn this morning. I love to be up before everyone else. I like to hear the frog's nightly chorus give way to the melody of the birds. While I still miss the geography of Tennessee, you sure don’t see the sky there like you do here. It always feels so vast, like it could suck you up into oblivion at any moment. The stars loose no luster out here in the country.
I had planned to get up this early every day this summer to enjoy such a rare treat, but being mommy has just made me too tired to do it. There is so much peace to the beginning of the day - before you or someone else has had the chance to wreck it. This morning really reminded me of the verse that says,
"His mercies are new every morning."
The same stuff is happening out there at dawn everyday. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. The moon is always overshadowed by the sun. Nocturnal always gives way to diurnal. But what follows the dawn can be new. The mercy we receive to rewrite yesterday is a blessed thing. For a self critical gal like myself second chances are nearly manna.
Do yourself a favor - sometime soon go greet the morning. Go out in the black of night and await the sunrise. In the shade changes of black, to gray, to purple, to pink, to the full light of the sun see what happens in your heart.
I had planned to get up this early every day this summer to enjoy such a rare treat, but being mommy has just made me too tired to do it. There is so much peace to the beginning of the day - before you or someone else has had the chance to wreck it. This morning really reminded me of the verse that says,
"His mercies are new every morning."
The same stuff is happening out there at dawn everyday. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. The moon is always overshadowed by the sun. Nocturnal always gives way to diurnal. But what follows the dawn can be new. The mercy we receive to rewrite yesterday is a blessed thing. For a self critical gal like myself second chances are nearly manna.
Do yourself a favor - sometime soon go greet the morning. Go out in the black of night and await the sunrise. In the shade changes of black, to gray, to purple, to pink, to the full light of the sun see what happens in your heart.
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